I'm not good at talking about myself, atleast not in a personal level. I'm always hiding and covering things from people around me and from myself. When something bad happens I tend to cover it with a smile or I just start to pretend it wasn't important. I try to keep myself distant from others, just so I can avoid getting close. So close I could be vulnerable to other peoples feelings and to their doings.
I'm a covard. I hate takings changes with others. What if I crash and burn? What if I get hurt? Hurting others has never been a problem with me. I can be and I usually am, emitionally very cold and distant person. The hardest thing is accepting that and admitting that to myself. Well, who's perfect? We all got our faults... But I've found a light at the end of a tunnel. And I'm really trying to be a better person. Better, better, better. What drives me to do that?
Last night I reconnected with an old friend of mine. We had a long and good talk. Had a lot of catching up to do. And while we were chatting, a lot of old and forgotten memories came to my mind. It brought back a certain time of my life I'm not really proud of. I really can't recognize myself from that. I've changed. I've really have! I was a real resteless soul, if you say it nicely, when I was younger, when I lived my life like nothing really mattered. Everything I did, I did it for myself and myself alone.
Today those thoughts have runned through my mind. And I've been ashamed of myself.
So maybe this is a bright new start for me. Maybe today is the day I change it all around. If I can get the courage to do so... I was really inspired by a story, or a writing by my friend. She seems to have done so, like really given up on the selfdoubt and started to enjoy herself. I'm really jealous of her. I know, I don't seem that insecure but I really am. I hate myself for that, for letting something stupid to bother me so much. So much I start to loath myself. And it's nothing specific, it really can be anything. But I'm working it out and trying to be more secure.
So maybe this was my first attempt to try to be more... How do you say it? More open with myself. Maybe it's time to do something about myself and try a bit harder. Especially now that I got a good reason to try harder.
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